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 The Bluedevils bogey team, Kambah Rovers, continued their surprising climb up the Masters Division 1 table with a scratchy 1-0 win over the misfiring Bluedevils last Sunday at a wretched Kambah oval well-known for its high mountains and deep valleys. The Bluedevil boys have been spoiled over the last few seasons playing on a proper football pitch in the form of Fortress McKellar and never fail to struggle when presented with a playing surface more akin to a wildlife reserve. The Kambah bogeys used the ground to their full advantage, constantly playing the square ball to tire out the Bluedevils, exhausted from the constant hiking up and down the mountainous ground. Again Belconnen made their way back to the promised-land wondering how they can string a couple of wins together.

Things could well have been much better had Alf ‘Silky’ Cirino, Craig ‘Rusty Ronaldo’ Russell, Henry ‘The Eighth’ Mataczyna, and Matty ‘The Bull’ Lapworth not decided to form a hamstring quartet and make themselves unavailable for selection. The harmonious twanging of their hamstrings not really as melodious as the sweet siren call of victory, luckily Bruce ‘The Spruce Goose’ Reid’s application to join was denied. . Things could also have been better had the Wiggle not lurched for the orange team manager’s clipboard at the first opportunity, seizing upon the moment to experiment by putting all players out of position. Thankfully ‘Veal’ O’Neil arrived shortly afterward and took the reigns, leaving the Wiggle with the clipboard to save face.

However, while the collective Bluedevil hamstring left the team hamstrung, at least the boys managed to keep their limbs in tact, something the Rovers could not manage as one of their newer recruits, perhaps unfamiliar with the terrain, caught his foot in a rabbit hole and wrenched his arm out of its socket. The sight of the arm lying some two meters away, still bonded by one single sinew led to collective hurling before anybody thought to call for an ambulance. The ambulance turned up eighteen hours later, and after a lazy smoke break, the paramedics quickly ambled their way over to the screaming Rover to administer much needed medical attention. Medical attention it turned out that could just as easily have been provided by a number of amateur medics in the Bluedevil line-up. ‘Just pop it back in so we can play, it’s not serious’; ‘We could have finished by now and be having a beer back at the club’, and ‘Just get him off the pitch’ came the Bluedevil diagnosis and treatment regime, seemingly ignoring the fundamentals of the Hippocratic Oath.

Highlights from the game included an outstanding effort from the 5ft 2in Nigel ‘Ranter’ Tranter, saving two one on one opportunities and keeping the Bluedevils in the game. Despite being chipped for the Kambah goal it was a convincing performance and certainly well above anything David ‘Danger to His Own Team’ James has done for England. The performance may well see the Ranter heading to South Africa next year, so long as this Lion of Albion can keep his buttock-mane to himself in the dressing shed.

Other standouts included Steve ‘The Cyberman’ Holgate who, machine-like, did not stop all game; Peter ‘Black Eye’d Peas’ Dahl, who’s uncanny ability to play most of the game strongly defending whilst lying prone on the pitch a rare ability, as is his ability to defend using just one eye, Trev ‘The Enforcer’ McGee who’s value to the team for his off-the-ball contributions still goes unrecognised, and Eddy ‘Supermatch’ Damico, who made some penetrating runs and almost scored the equalizer. And Jorg ‘Mach 5’ Raap’s dangerous running and shooting almost saved the day on a number of occasions, where it not for the whale-sized Kambah keeper. It was clear testament to the fact that whale-like keepers are an essential for any Masters team!

Back at the Club after the game grievances were aired in usual style before conversation quickly turned to the end of season trip and specifically, the destination. Despite early support the Hillary Clintonesque Sydney option seems to be losing ground in favour of a rising groundswell for Obama-Melbourne, almost to the extent one could say it was a done deal. With the free flow of the Bluedevil drink of choice, Boags, conversation again turned to more serious matters, particularly the following question – If we all fly to Melbourne and the plane crashes into the Snowy mountains, like Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571 that crashed into the Andes on Friday 13th 1972 carrying the national Rugby team, and we were forced to eat team mates in order to survive who would be the first to be ‘plated up’ so to speak. After much debate it was unanimously agreed that the menu would consist of ‘Alf Parmigiana’, followed by ‘Fiddy and Chips’, before a main course of ‘Wagyu Wiggle’. These moorish morsels have now formed the nucleus of the lets travel by train faction.

Special thanks must also go to those Masters Division 2 boys who stepped up to help the team out, the magnificently monikered Graeme ‘Flaps’ Nesbitt, Michael ‘Slicky’ Richards, and Steve ‘Intelligentsia’ Longford. Indeed, Longford’s half-time lecture on the physiological changes caused by anger brilliant and deserving of a wider audience. Copies of his thesis ‘Where the f’n hell has my peripheral vision gone, you mongrels’ soon to be released by Bluedevil Publishing. The lecture was given in response to the general rising level of anger caused by the random sound of a high-pitched whistle constantly being blown during the game. A strange fellow in yellow was eventually identified as the culprit. But alas it was too late, the three points had slipped between the Bluedevil’s fingers – again.