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Master Class: Belconnen 2 - Canberra FC 0
The pride of Belconnen, the Bluedevils Masters Div 1 side turned up to a lush University of Canberra oval last Sunday to take on a Canberra FC team they had not beaten for three long years. The talented Canberra FC team even boasted the likes of marquee player and former Socceroo Ned Zelic in one memorable game last year. Unfortunately the Bluedevils marquee guest player, Stephen ‘Hot’ Rodda, turned up to the game in his flashy red sports sedan and parked in a no parking zone, quickly attracting the ire of campus security. Rodda was to spend the rest of the match looking for a car park, competing with aggressive soccer mums attending a youth tournament. It did not matter in the end as the Bluedevil boys went on to carve out a triumphant 2-0 victory.
The game itself began at a furious pace and with some slick passing down the right wing Simon ‘Masterchef’ Smith rounded his defender and from an uncanny angle whipped in a screaming waist high cross. Unfortunately it was too good for both the Belconnen attack and Canberra FC defence. Buoyed by the confident start the Bluedevils became emboldened and quickly took control of the centre midfield with Craig ‘Cucumbers’ McConnell and Jurgen ‘Doctor’ Dahl holding the ball nicely for eventual distribution to the attacking Danny ‘West Ham’ Brosnan, Mark ‘Clog Jnr’ van den Heuval and Ian ‘Fiddy’ Reeves. Belconnen held the ball up beautifully and dictated the tempo of the game to a frustrated opposition. The fitness regime introduced at training by Chris ‘The Commando’ Welsh was beginning to pay dividends!
There are three things certain in life – death, taxes and Nigel ‘Ranter’ Tranter’s left foot. The Ranter has invested almost 40 years of his life into perfecting the footballing prowess of the fabulous, favoured foot – as the lonely and bitter appendage on the right can attest. So it was with confidence that he ran across to take a free-kick on the 30 minute mark and proceeded to float in a deadly pin-point cross to the edge of the six yard box. The cross split the defence and caused total confusion, a half-shot was half-parried before the ball eventually bounced towards ‘Doctor’ Dahl. The Doctor quickly made his diagnosis and prescribed a GOAAALLLLLL steering the ball over the keeper’s head into the back of the net just under the crossbar. 1-0 to the boys in sky blue and confidence levels soared.
Canberra FC then moved up a gear trying to strike back quickly with long balls through to their dangerous centre forward, who managed to get in behind the Belconnen defence and found himself one on one with the Wiggle. With his signature Macarena moves Wiggle came off his line to close the angle and just got his foot to the shot, deflecting it for a corner. He then nullified the cross, coming off his line again to leap upon the steadfast back of ‘Ranter’ Tranter to catch the ball. It was but one of many leaps in the game the behemoth-like Baryshnikov was to perform, earning him back the confidence of his team mates he had lost two weeks previous against Weston Creek.
This did not stop the Canberra FC forwards though and soon after they pushed through for another attack. However, this time Matty ‘The Bull’ Lapworth bustled the precocious centre forward away from goal to the relative safety of the sideline. In response, and frustration, the forward then sought to introduce his elbow to the Bull’s head a number of times before the referee awarded a free kick. The invective that was to follow made all blush within a 100 meter radius of the game and how he managed to stay on the field will forever remain a mystery. Players were left in shock at the outburst and were offered counselling after the match.
The Bluedevil defence shut down almost all Canberra FC raids allowing Steve ‘Held together by Skins’ Holgate and Simon ‘Smugford’ Mugford to play the ball out to the midfield or wide to Peter ‘Dalek’ Dahl for some fine triangular passing. Speedy running from the uncontainable Grant ‘Cube’ Hilpern constantly left the flummoxed FC defence in sixes and sevens. Halftime then and the Bluedevils marched off with their heads held high.
Visiting Australia to discuss the soon-to-be vacant national team coaching position Dutch maestro Hans ‘Clog Snr’ van den Heuval told the boys he was impressed with what he had seen. Indeed, so far out in front were the Bluedevils in his opinion he indicated that comparing the two teams was like comparing apples and pears. He encouraged the boys to continue the calm passing game and to strengthen the links between defence, midfield and attack. The advice was echoed by the mighty Kong Collins in a series of morse code chest thumpings before he ran off to terrorise the nursing students at UC to rub his strained hamstring. Fortunately, physiotherapy soothed the savage beast.
The second half began much as the first half ended, with the Bluedevils controlling the middle and the tempo of the game and it wasn’t long before Masterchef Smith galloped down the sidelines and arced in towards goal before delivering a high cross to the back of the Canberra FC goal. There to meet the cross was none other than Swindon Town’s finest, Melinda Messenger – eerrr sorry, it was the heroic Fiddy Reeves who gave the ball the sweetest Liverpool kiss into the back of the net! 2-0 to Belconnen but the expected Canberra FC capitulation never came, indeed they only attacked harder looking to get something out of the game. One particularly perilous attack saw the FC centre forward get round Wiggle only to hit the upright. It was a lucky let off and a reminder the game wasn’t over by a long shot.
The Bluedevils could have sealed the match not long after when Clog Jnr van den Heuval fought for the ball with the FC keeper and found himself with an open goal on the edge of the six yard box. Many will be aware of Clog Jnr’s recent ankle surgery brought on as a result of striking the ball too hard over the years. Doctors warned he risked losing the foot if he continued to persist in cracking the ball with the appropriately monikered foot ‘Thor’s hammer’. And so, without his knowledge and whilst he was under general anaesthetic, the surgeons removed the hammer and replaced it with a less powerful, safer shovel. The unfortunate result was that his shot from the edge of the six yard box somehow managed to fly over the crossbar towards the car park - denting the bonnet of an innocent slow-moving red sports sedan.
The last 25 minutes of the game saw panic football emerge as wave after wave of FC attack was fortunately repelled. Masterchef Smith ferociously headed the ball out for a corner during one raid, some two centimeters from the crossbar, bringing back memories of Dalek Dahl’s exploits against Weston. Wiggle managed to shut down a few dangerous looking crosses and a short free-kick and West Ham Brosnan was brought in to mark the speedy FC centre forward.
Perhaps most disturbing feature of the second half was the return of the 110 decibel screaming game of the Ranter, something not seen this year, the ageing lion’s roar frightening many of those around him. It didn’t last long thank the Lord and after a soothing word from the Wiggle the Ranter’s roar had become a positive force for Belconnen.
With time slipping away and a Belconnen victory more and more likely Canberra FC threw the dice one last time and managed to get the ball into the penalty area. What then transpired would be more suited to ‘Ripley’s Believe It Or Not’ as a beefy FC midfielder jostled with West Ham Brosnan for the ball. Both players were eventually transported back to 1984 ending up on their backs break dancing Rock Steady Crew-style, while the ball bobbed about. Superior technique saw Brosnan back to his feet first and while lording it over his broken rival Bull Lapworth charged in and converted the ball over the sideline with a kick that would have made Mick Cronin proud. Problem solved.
Running down the clock now became top priority and it was Eddy ‘The Match’ D’Amico who helped things along with an unfortunate ten minute late tackle deep in the FC half that stole another thirty seconds from FC. It was the final incident of the match and with the full-time whistle the rapture began. Belconnen had triumphed.
Peeling off his Skins post-game Hoggy Holgate promptly fell apart and was packed up with the team kit for reassembly back at the club later on. At the Mackellar club these ageing Masters of Belconnen then bathed themselves in beerful glory and regaled the punters with their magnificent deeds of derring-do.
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